Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Why I haven't been posting on here

For Christmas the year I was 12 I recieved a journal. It was a great one filled with poems and thoughts and topics to write about in it. I dilegently kept a journal from that day forward. I wrote in a journal my entire teenage years, in to my young adult life and even after I was married. As I had kids the entries became less often. Then blogging came along and I used my blog as a sort of journal.

So why haven't I been writing on here? Because it can all get used against you...that is why.

We are in a lawsuit over Heidi's accident. The attorneys for the church now have acess to everything I have posted and do post on here. They have my personal calendars for the past 3 year and all the enteries from my old blog at the time of the accident. Nothing at all is private from them, and it angers me. The same church I was raised in, the same church I was told to keep a journal in is the same church that has taken it all away from me and made it exhibits in a lawsuit.

I have also encouraged my children to keep journals and to write in them. It angers me and frustrated the hell out of me that the attorneys have taken my blog, and my writing about Heidi's accident. More maddening and heartbreaking is that they took her journal also. If a thirteen year old's journal can not be a safe place for her private thoughts, a place to write her frustrations and her dreams, then no where is.

Friday I sat in a room and watched the church attorneys grill my child about things she wrote in her journal three years ago. They picked it apart piece by piece and not just about the time of the accident, they went through entries clear up to this year. The poor gal has no privacy left at all. You can not begin to understand the anger I feel right now. I could do nothing there, I could say nothing there. I had to sit quietly by and listen to them question my child for hours. It is highly frustrating.

My favorite author Richard Paul Evans has a new book coming out this week. He posted this quote from the new book Promise Me on his face book.

"Hate, resentment and anger, are parasites that feed off the heart, until there is nothing left for love to live on" Richard Paul Evans.

He really nailed this on the head. I have so much anger and bitterness eating away inside of me. I can't wait to read the book when it comes out Tuesday. Maybe in the book he will tell me how to get rid of this cancer of anger, that is eating away at me. Then I can work on the next big issue in my life, which is figuring out what is true. How can all the things I was raised to believe be so jumbled and messed up? What if any of them are true?

This is why I haven't written on here in months.

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